Stinky Flowers

I was going to work on a cruise ship to Alaska for an entire week by myself…sure looked good on paper. The plan was to relax, enjoy and recharge my Mommy batteries. The trick was to do all that and not feel sad, lonely or guilty.

Now that Zeke is almost 2 (21 months), I felt like I could take a gig that was a week long so when the offer came in to work on NCL’s Ship, the “Sun” for a 7 day Alaskan cruise, Mark and I decided to make it work. He was knee-deep in a project for Disney so we’d need babysitters during the day. Normally, my Mom would step in to save the day, but she decided to wake up with Bell’s Palsy the week before I had to leave.  (Sheesh! You can just say, “No!” Ma…you don’t have to go to such drastic measures to get out of watching my kids!) We found 2 wonderful, loving and fun babysitters for the boys so that was a load off my mind. In fact, Mark came home the first night to find them all playing “bats”. Nate looked up at Mark and said, “Daddy? Can you go back to work…we’re not done playing yet.”

So, everything was taken care of before I left. Child care, clean house, clean laundry…so why did I feel so guilty? My head was screaming at me,  “This is your job…you’re making money for the family! Stop feeling bad…you can’t help it if your job DEMANDS that you live on the ship for a week without your family…” But my heart was screaming, “You selfish, horrible Mother…you left your husband and your babies home with strangers! How can you live with yourself?” I thought maybe if I spent the entire week working out at the ship’s gym, I would be doing something useful but not at all fun so the guilt would subside. I took 2 classes the first day. A pilates class that had me rolling all over the floor and a full-body workout class that made me do more squats then anyone should ever do in their entire life. The next day I felt like I had gone 22 rounds with Mike Tyson. My legs were so sore from squatting, I had to pee standing up. 2000 push ups had left my arms dangling like over-cooked noodles at my sides. Brushing my teeth or my hair was not an option. I just threw my toiletries onto the bed and rolled around on them hoping something would stick. To top off the whole thing…”FLOW” decided to take the cruise with me. I figured that was enough suffering and penance for being on a cruise ship without my family, so I tried to have some fun.

In addition to my shows, I was part of the "Liar's Club" game show with my new pal, JP (an amazingly funny magician) and my old pal Alberto (singer/dancer/bad joke teller!). After their definitions for the word, "Fur Fur" I will remain a vegetarian and animal activist for life!

I enjoyed performing on the ship, the crowds were very warm and giving. Some of them even tried to “give” me their kids! The entire front row was filled with kids. Where were their parents? 7 rows back! Trust me when I tell you…I’m not doing a show for kids. I had to do my entire act in “code”. I figured, if you got the jokes…you were old enough.

Since I’m usually the one entertaining, it was a nice switch for me to get to go to the other shows and BE entertained for a change. My new friends, Rushlow Harris were awesome. They’ve been hugely successful in the country world for many years so it was a real treat to hear their songs.

Tim and Doni aka Rushlow Harris helped me get in touch with my "country roots"! OK, my "trailer-trash" roots.

Maybe it was being away from my family, maybe it was the hormones (probably an emotion coctail of both) but when they started singing, “She misses him”, I burst into tears. I could hear people around me whispering, “Hey, look at the comedian…she’s crying like a baby!” I’m thinking it was the straw that broke the emotional camel’s back. Either way, it felt good. Just to sit there in the dark theater, crying over some good ‘ole country songs. Thanks, Tim & Doni…ya’ll were way cheaper than a therapy session!

Ketchican, AK A great place to take your family...{sigh}

I spent my days looking through the shops in search of the ever-elusive baby Beluga whale. When I left home, I told Nate that I would bring him home a souvenir. “A baby Beluga whale, Mommy? I’ve always wanted a baby Beluga whale my whole life!” he said looking up at me with his big, brown soulful eyes. What could I say? “Oh course I’ll bring you a baby Beluga whale, Nate.” Little did I know that there were NO baby Beluga whales in any of the shops in any of the ports. Trust me…I looked in all of them. In case you’re wondering…there are hundreds of stuffed bears, penquins, wolves and otters. I even found a stuffed salmon for crying out loud! I found whales alright, but no Beluga whales. I bought a stuffed Orca whale and a humpback whale figuring 2 would be better than one and he wouldn’t know the difference anyway. I should have known better. When I got to make one of my 3 calls home that week, I told Nate I found his whale for him. “What color is it, Mommy?” he tested me. “Black and white.” I stuttered trying to sound knowlegable. “Mommy! that’s an Orca whale. Some people call him a killer whale but I don’t because that’s not nice. It’s an Orca whale. Remember when we went to Sea World, Mommy? Shamu is an Orca whale. You got the wrong one.” {sigh} It really is amazing how a 4 year old can make a 45 year old feel like an imbecile. “Listen very carefully, Mommy…” Nate continued. “a baby Beluga whale is white.” He even slowed down his speech to help me understand. “OK, Nate…I think I got it now.”

I would like to personally thank everyone at the Vancouver Aquarium responsible for setting up shop in the airport. I was preparing myself for the huge dissapointment I was about to bring home to my eldest son when I looked up and saw an entire baby Beluga display in one of the airport gift shops. Was it a desperate Mommy mirage? No! It was real! Apparently, she was the first Beluga whale born in captivity and the aquarium decided to celebrate with merchandise. There were baby Beluga t-shirts, key chains and there on the second shelf down was the holy grail…a stuffed baby Beluga whale for $9.99 Canadian. I heard angels singing as I lifted it off the shelf and brought it to the counter to pay.

I came home and handed my son his baby Beluga whale. He gasped when he saw her. “Mommy!  It’s the baby Beluga whale that I wanted all my life…I love her so much! Thank you Mommy.” And he gave me “The Hug”.  Not just a hug but THE hug. The one that says, “You’re the best Mom ever…I will never need therapy because you’re such a great Mom.”

I did it! I spent an entire week away from my family and I managed to work out, get my hair done, catch up on my sleep and I did it all…GUILT FREE!

Ok, so I’m sure it’s hot everywhere in the country right now,  BUT…with our humidity it feels like we’re living in Atlantis. The only time we’re dry is the 4 1/2 seconds after we’ve toweled off following a shower.  It’s a deadly combo: hot, sweaty, sticky children = tired, cranky, whining parents. With all the activities for this holiday taking place outside, the million dollar question is…who’s bright idea was it to make it the 4th of JULY for crying out loud? Oh, yeah, I guess it was these guys:

It doesn't get any "greener" than this: a reusable plastic straw-thingy is inserted directly into the orange. You squeeze the orange while sucking out the juice. No cups, no waste and a novelty that makes your kids drink something that's good for them AND it takes about 7 minutes to drink...here comes the parade!

Bracelets and beads and candy...oh, my! Nate even managed to score a potted plant given out by the garden club. He just flashed one of his heart-melting smiles and the woman was defenseless.

Zeke nabbed 2 rubber ducks, a flag and a woman's purse...without ever leaving his stroller.

After the parade, we raced home to get ready for the family. We invited my brother, Scott; his wife, Melody and their twins, Hope & Paige. My cousin, Linda and her husband, Hector were coming with my Uncle Joey. We were so excited they were coming! That’s why we moved to this Humid Hole that’s just a mile and 1/2 north of Hades…to be near family.

Sometimes I wonder how I ever became a stand-up comic. I mean, what would lead me to such a weird profession? Then I spend a day with my family:

All I said was "Can I get a group photo of the guys?" My husband, Cowboy Mark. My brother, Harley Scott. My Uncle, Darth Maul Joe. And my cousin's husband, Harlequin Hector. And I'm the comic?

Dinner was awesome. That’s mainly because I had nothing to do with it. In case you don’t know, I’m extremely lucky to be married to a man that not only likes to cook, but is really good at it. That means our children will have nutritiously balanced meals and won’t ever get scurvy. (Which would be a real threat if I were in charge of meals.) My job? Purely janitorial. I can clean like nobody’s business. Which works out great for us because I can’t cook. Well, that’s not entirely true. I have been venturing into the world of desserts. In fact, Nate and I made a really fun 4th of July cake that I found online:

Licking the bowl was a huge motivator for me to start making desserts. Licking the bowl after making mashed potatoes...not so much.

Chocolate flag cake! How cute is this? And sooo freakin' easy: store-bought cake mix with white frosting. Blueberry stars with strawberry stripes. (No people were hurt during the making of this cake which was a miracle.)

Mark made tacos with Spanish rice. That’s the only meal besides pasta that vegetarians came make for their carnivore families that doesn’t make them miss their meat.

The fireworks were downtown, which is under a mile to walk. It’s a nice walk…in the winter. Walking downtown on July 4th felt like a stroll thru the Mojave.  But I have to give my family props…everyone walked and had a great time. It gets really crowded for fireworks. We actually get buses filled with people to come see our amazing fireworks display. The show was awesome. It  made us forget about the heat, the humidity and the crowds of sweaty people. We had a great vandage point as well, which was nice for the kids. It was Zeke’s first 4th of July. He actually stayed awake long enough to see the show. Well…1/2 of the show:

How do you fall asleep during a fireworks display? Open a creaky door during nap time and he's up, but exploding, screaming fireworks...zzzzzzz....

Nate managed to hold his own with his older cousins, Hope (on the left) & Paige (on the right). "Mommy, we're having fun, so don't say anything." I didn't know how to take that, so I just said, "OK, Nate...I won't say anything."

I’ll admit that when Hope & Paige were smaller, they REALLY looked alike. Especially when they had their haircut the same. But now, Hope’s hair is long and Paige got her hair cut into a cute, short bob. Now it’s easy to tell them apart…or you would think. For some reason, Nate cannot for the life of him, tell his cousins apart. “Mommy, which one is that?” “Nate, Paige has short hair. That’s Paige.” “Ok, Ok, OK….um…which one is Hope?” “NATE! Hope has long hair! That’s Hope.” He finally got so frustrated that he started calling each one of them, “Hope&Paige”. He went up to Paige and said, “Scuse me, Hope&Paige…wanna play Star Wars?” I almost choked when I heard him say to Hope, “Scuse me, Hope&Paige? Where is your sister, Hope&Paige?” They’re very good sports about it.

After the fireworks, we all headed home for the after show…

It's not the 4th of July without sparklers burning your hands...Go Paige!

My brother (Uncle Scott) took over the "lighting of the sparklers" duty. I guess he was the most qualified, seeing as how he's a firefighter and all.

It was a great day, in spite of the heat. “One for the books” as the saying goes. I do feel a little guilty about letting the real meaning of the holiday slip between the cracks. I vowed to explain to my boys what each of the holidays was about and why we were celebrating. But when I started telling Nate about our founding fathers and the Declaration of Independence…his eyes glazed over. I guess that’s what he was referring to when he said, “We’re having fun, so don’t say anything…!” {sigh}