“Mommyyyyyy…..I have to go pottyyyyyy…”

“OK, Zeke – I’m coming.”

I’m quite used to the 1 am potty break my kids have written into their contract riders. They LOVE them. I think it’s not so much about the potty, but more about the alone-time with Mommy. They know that asking questions will prolong the nightlight-illuminated snuggle time, so I’m usually prepared for the inquisition. Not last night. I was definitely NOT prepared for last night’s topic. Maybe it was stepping in the puddle on the carpet that threw me off (Wickette!!!!) but more likely it was the topic.

I was on my knees, cleaning the wet spot while Zeke was going potty. Out of the corner of my eye I see him waddle out of the bathroom with his Pajama bottoms around his ankles. I’m afraid to look up. Nothing good ever comes from pants around the ankles. So, I keep my head down and scrub a little harder hoping somehow that will make what’s about to happen, not happen.

photo

Wishful thinking. As I’m scrubbing a hole in the carpet, I hear the one phrase that strikes fear in every parent’s heart:

“Mommy, what’s this?”

A voice in my head screams, “DON’T LOOK UP!!” I tried not too, but it was like a car wreck…you just have to. There, standing in front of me, is my 5 year old son with a hand full of boy parts.

“Mommy!!! What is this?”

“That’s your penis, Zeke…you know that.”

“NOOO…THIS!”

“Oh, eh, hem…that? That would be your scrotum…now let’s go wash your hands…”

“Socrum?”

“S-C-R-O-T-U-M” I sound out for him, trying desperately not to laugh or sound weird.

“Scrotum. OK….(long pause)….but what’s inside the scrotum? I feel two little balls or something.”

“Ohhh Kayyyy, well….those are your testicles. You have two of them, right?”

“Yup. Oooonnneee, twwwoooo…(dreaded pause)…what are they for?”

“Weeeelllll….you have those in case you want to be a Daddy someday.”

“OH! And girls have testicles in case they want to be a Mommy?”

“Well, no. Girls and boys have different parts. Boys have parts to be Daddies, and Girls have parts to be Mommies.” I stammered, wiping sweat from my brow.

“Oh. What parts do girls have?”

(loud screaming in my head, accompanied by hair pulling and sweating…lots of sweating)

“Uhmmm…well…girls have a vagina, uterus and ovaries.” I said as casually as a freaked-out person could.

As Zeke’s mouth was forming his next life-altering question, Nate appears from his room like a life-raft thrown to save me:

“Hey, what are you guys talking about…and why is Zeke holding his tenders?”

“Nate, this is my scrotum!”
“I know. I have one too.”

“You need this to be a Daddy.”

“AWKWARD!!! Mommy, did you know these two holes in my nose are NOT called holes? They’re called nostrils!”

“Really, Nate? That’s good to know.” Hoping beyond hope that this comment would derail Zeke’s train of questions…

“Mommy?”

“Yes, Zeke.”

“Some people have a Mommy and a Daddy and some people have just a Mommy or just a Daddy.”

“That’s right. And guess what? Some people have 2 Mommies and some people have 2 Daddies!” (Did I really just open that can of worms?)

“Wow! And do some people have 2 Mommies and 2 Daddies?”

“Yes, some Mommies and Daddies decide not to live together anymore and they marry other people…”

“And some people have 1 Daddy and 7 Mommies!”

“Yes, but that’s only in rural Utah…”

“What?”

“Never mind. It’s REALLY time for bed, Zeke.”

(Sigh.)

Advertisements