“Mommyyyyyy…..I have to go pottyyyyyy…”
“OK, Zeke – I’m coming.”
I’m quite used to the 1 am potty break my kids have written into their contract riders. They LOVE them. I think it’s not so much about the potty, but more about the alone-time with Mommy. They know that asking questions will prolong the nightlight-illuminated snuggle time, so I’m usually prepared for the inquisition. Not last night. I was definitely NOT prepared for last night’s topic. Maybe it was stepping in the puddle on the carpet that threw me off (Wickette!!!!) but more likely it was the topic.
I was on my knees, cleaning the wet spot while Zeke was going potty. Out of the corner of my eye I see him waddle out of the bathroom with his Pajama bottoms around his ankles. I’m afraid to look up. Nothing good ever comes from pants around the ankles. So, I keep my head down and scrub a little harder hoping somehow that will make what’s about to happen, not happen.
Wishful thinking. As I’m scrubbing a hole in the carpet, I hear the one phrase that strikes fear in every parent’s heart:
“Mommy, what’s this?”
A voice in my head screams, “DON’T LOOK UP!!” I tried not too, but it was like a car wreck…you just have to. There, standing in front of me, is my 5 year old son with a hand full of boy parts.
“Mommy!!! What is this?”
“That’s your penis, Zeke…you know that.”
“NOOO…THIS!”
“Oh, eh, hem…that? That would be your scrotum…now let’s go wash your hands…”
“Socrum?”
“S-C-R-O-T-U-M” I sound out for him, trying desperately not to laugh or sound weird.
“Scrotum. OK….(long pause)….but what’s inside the scrotum? I feel two little balls or something.”
“Ohhh Kayyyy, well….those are your testicles. You have two of them, right?”
“Yup. Oooonnneee, twwwoooo…(dreaded pause)…what are they for?”
“Weeeelllll….you have those in case you want to be a Daddy someday.”
“OH! And girls have testicles in case they want to be a Mommy?”
“Well, no. Girls and boys have different parts. Boys have parts to be Daddies, and Girls have parts to be Mommies.” I stammered, wiping sweat from my brow.
“Oh. What parts do girls have?”
(loud screaming in my head, accompanied by hair pulling and sweating…lots of sweating)
“Uhmmm…well…girls have a vagina, uterus and ovaries.” I said as casually as a freaked-out person could.
As Zeke’s mouth was forming his next life-altering question, Nate appears from his room like a life-raft thrown to save me:
“Hey, what are you guys talking about…and why is Zeke holding his tenders?”
“Nate, this is my scrotum!”
“I know. I have one too.”
“You need this to be a Daddy.”
“AWKWARD!!! Mommy, did you know these two holes in my nose are NOT called holes? They’re called nostrils!”
“Really, Nate? That’s good to know.” Hoping beyond hope that this comment would derail Zeke’s train of questions…
“Mommy?”
“Yes, Zeke.”
“Some people have a Mommy and a Daddy and some people have just a Mommy or just a Daddy.”
“That’s right. And guess what? Some people have 2 Mommies and some people have 2 Daddies!” (Did I really just open that can of worms?)
“Wow! And do some people have 2 Mommies and 2 Daddies?”
“Yes, some Mommies and Daddies decide not to live together anymore and they marry other people…”
“And some people have 1 Daddy and 7 Mommies!”
“Yes, but that’s only in rural Utah…”
“What?”
“Never mind. It’s REALLY time for bed, Zeke.”
(Sigh.)
Stinky Flowers 
March 20, 2013 at 5:24 pm
Ok Maryellen, this one would be a good book starter….I could hardly stop laughing as I read, wondering what the next question would be. You are a hoot! I never dreamed it would be so funny when I started reading, but I should’ve known if it was from you about your kids, it would be hilarious !
March 20, 2013 at 5:29 pm
Can’t wait to hear tonight’s installment. Suit up!
March 20, 2013 at 5:43 pm
You crack me up. I remember when mine were that age. Too funny. Enjoy it, they grow up too fast.’
March 20, 2013 at 6:38 pm
You had me falling off my chair!! I think you did an admirable job explaining the tenders!!
> >
March 20, 2013 at 8:39 pm
Thank you, Ms. Beaumont. Coming from you (the child expert!) I am flattered. I hope it brings back funny memories of your brood. THAT’s the book that should be written!!!
March 20, 2013 at 9:14 pm
yes, what a great book title, “What’s this called? And, how many mommies do YOU have?”
March 21, 2013 at 1:43 pm
Nice going brings back memorys
When my kids were there age
LOL
Dad
March 21, 2013 at 2:12 pm
Maryellen, this is too funny!! Ironically enough my son just asked me the same question 2 days ago…you know what though….I totally forgot about that word scrotum! I just called the whole thing testicles! Well, you know what, I am not revisiting that conversation to clear things up!!
March 21, 2013 at 9:00 pm
I so look forward to your posts because I also have two boys (ages 7 and 5). I understand. I sympathize. I giggle with you. I too am a member of the MOB (mothers of boys).
March 21, 2013 at 11:49 pm
Thank, Amy! It’s nice to know you’re out there NOT judging me!! We MOBs have to stick together. (I’m talking alibis)
March 21, 2013 at 11:51 pm
I’m sure that conversation will come up on its own (pun intended!)
March 24, 2013 at 8:59 pm
There must be something in the water this week. My 5 year old was asking questions about his undercarriage as well. Thank goodness it was not at 1 am. I think it was right before we had to leave for school. Otherwise the science teacher in me may have given too much information 😉