Mommy Protocols


Haven’t had one in awhile. It’s been nice. Then something happens that reminds me of the need for a Mommy Protocol.

How much does a plastic, Target footstool cost? $5 bucks? $10? If restaurants, theme parks and freaking movie theaters can’t afford one to put in their bathrooms, then just file for bankruptcy and get it over with.

I have two small boys. They can’t reach the sinks in restrooms. That means that I have to lift them up to the sink. (I count this as a workout) Their bellies always rest on the counter in front of the sink. The counter in front of the sink is ALWAYS wet from the person/people before us. That means, my arm/sleeve is now wet and the front of my sons’ shirt is wet and gross. My youngest is persnickity. He doesn’t like to be wet. When he’s wet, he cries…loudly. When he cries loudly…I take deep breaths and write a Mommy Protocol blog.

Seriously, how hard is it to take the paper towel you just dried your hands with and wipe the counter with it? Just one little swipe across the front of the sink. Consider it your “one good deed” for the day; a “pay it forward” or a “punch” in your ticket to where ever you think you’re going when you die…

Or even better…do it because I might be coming in right behind you…and I don’t want to do anything that might make me the “Top Story” on the 6:00 news.

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Shopping with your kids. We’ve all been there. It’s a necessary evil sometimes. Having said that, there are ways to make the event go smoothly for you and for EVERYONE  AROUND YOU

1. Bring snacks. If you forgot snacks, tear open a bag of something from off the shelf and start stuffing it into your screaming kid’s mouth. In fact, allow me. It takes a village and I will be more than happy to help with your screaming banshee.

2. Bring toys. Doesn’t have to be fancy.  Just bring SOMETHING!

3.  Give them your freaking smart phone! What? You have kids and you don’t have a smart phone?  What’s the opposite of smart? I guess you wouldn’t know.

4. If your kid is running amuck, knocking over displays, stomping on MY FEET, biting and screaming, “NOOOOO!” Have consequences for their actions:

Did you really expect your kid to stand by you in the dress dept. for an hour and offer their advise on what’s flattering for your figure? Come on! I can’t even get my husband to do that and he’s relatively trained.

5. Stop screaming at your kid to “Stop screaming and get over here!!”  You’re WAY more annoying than they are.

And lastly:

6. If you count to your kid one more time…I will punch you before you get to #3.