On the Road


…I would tell YOU!

Driving home from a show, I decided to stop at Starbucks. I don’t drink coffee, but I love me a Java-chip Frappuccino to pass the miles.

Everything’s going great. I’m jamming on some “Wave” tunes on my Sirius radio; enjoying my Frap WAY too much and loving the drive home.

Phone call from Mark:

“Hey, do you think you can stop at Target and get me a blah, blah, blah…..?”

“Sure, Honey…I’m almost at that exit.”

I pull off the highway and slurp down the rest of my drink…except that last hunk of Java-chip in the bottom of the cup. It’s just too big for the straw. Mmmm, I bet it’s a big hunk of chocolate. I’m not throwing it away! So, I remove the dome lid, put the cup to my mouth and pound on the bottom of the cup. Sloooowly it starts to slide towards my mouth…almost there…(pound, pound) Success!! Yum. Big hunk of chocolate well worth the work. Everything is good with the world.

I grab my purse and run into Target.

Everyone is very friendly and smiling at me. In fact, they’re kind of chuckling in a familiar way when they say hi. Do they recognize me? Have they seen one of my shows? How cool! What a great night I’m having. I smile back and continue shopping.

When I bring the items to the check out, more of the same. Big smiles, and warm chuckles. Wow. Maybe my “NickMom Night Out” aired again. Could this night get any better? I pay for the items and go to the car.

After loading the bags and fastening my seatbelt, I catch my reflection in the rear-view mirror:

 

starbucks 2

 

Seriously? Come on people! Help a choco-holic, sista out.

At least it wasn’t Walmart. I’d have to kill myself if I ended up on THAT website.

 

 

 

 

…and thankfully I’m not in handcuffs, trying to hide my face.

After my segment/rant about selfish holiday shopping, “Good Day Orlando’s” Amy Kaufeldt gave my sons a VIP tour they’re still talking about. “So THIS is where they get the weather from!”
I promised to take HER kids on a tour of all the comedy club bars I work in.

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“What adorable little boys, are they both yours?”

“Yes they are, thank you.”

“Do you have any girls?”

“Nope, I’m a boy Mama. My house is full of testosterone…there’s no pink in my house anywhere!”

“Yes there is, Mommy.”

“What, Zeke?”

“My eye was in our house and Dr. Marcus said it was pink.”

“I stand corrected. Thank you, Zeke.”

1.  Go to all the parties with your family, but don’t let the kids bring a toy sword if there’s sand for them to bury it in.

2.  If your son wins a prize at Animal Kingdom’s DinoLand Fossil Fun Games…..

….be prepared to stay and play until the other son wins something.

3. When your son meets a new friend, be thankful his parents are really cool to hang out with.

4.  Book Disney’s Art of Animation Resort early because it’s so amazingly cool, it will sell out fast!

5. When your kids are wearing mouse ears…take their picture! (Whether they want you to or not.)

6. Check out the hills and terrain of the paths BEFORE you promise to rent a bicycle surrey for an hour.

7.  When your “boss” has no microphone, rethink telling her to “Talk into my boob.”.

8.  To improve your online savvy, you can’t just own Chris Brogan’s book…you have to read it.

9. Hand your camera to strangers so you can be in some of the photos together. (Be prepared to chase them if they take off with it.)

10. I have the best job in the world. (Right under the person who gives away free Ghiradelli chocolate at Downtown Disney)

PS  Thanks to Disney and all the amazing “Moms” who made this conference one for the record books.

PPS A special thanks to the Mom-to-the-rescue who had all the right “supplies” one would need in a ladies room. I owe you BIG time.

When traveling, I find it best to blend in with the locals as best you can.

I think I blended:

In fact, I blended so well that locals were all speaking Hebrew to me. When I stopped them and said I was from America, they would always respond, “But you’re Jewish, right?” I would tell them, “No, I’m not Jewish.” I was told, “You could be!” Uhhh…Thank you?

I was performing as part of a tour called “Comedy for Koby” a foundation that helps families who’ve lost loved ones to terror attacks. I can’t think of a better use for Comedy.

I went once before but that time I brought Mark and Nate. Nate was 2. The only thing I did on that trip was look for diapers and a place to change them. Oh, we climbed Masada…with Nate strapped to my back. 

But this time I got to be a tourist. In a nutshell I:

Went to the Souk (Avi lied…it was NOTHING like the mall.)

I bought some:

And didn’t buy:

I visited the Western Wall:

And covered some bases:

I felt illiterate:

But somehow understood:

I got my watch fixed:

And saw the bald head of the Governor of FL:

I met the most amazing people and made them my friends:

Now I know everything I need to know about the Kabbalah:

Oh, yeah…and I told some jokes (With Saleem, Avi Liberman & John Mulrooney) :

PS. Not sure, but I think I got married:

Every year, Montreal has an amazing comedy festival. This year they added Toronto. I was so excited to be invited to both cities this year. The venues are magnificent, crowds are the best and I get to see comedy friends I haven’t seen in years. It’s like a huge comedy class reunion:

The ubiquitous host of the festival, Victor. "Mommy...what is he?" "That's the guy that pays our rent this month, Nate."

Lot’s of old friends:

Tom Papa, John Heffron, Me, Jim Breuer and Sebastian Maniscalco...Thank you, goodnight!

Catching up with Kathleen Madigan. "Have I always been taller than you, Kathleen?" "No, I used to be taller." "I thought so."

Chris Titus and I recreating our awkward Prom photo that we took with other people. (what?)

Harland Williams and I have so much in common that we can actually swap lives with each other for days and no one notices. That's me on the right.

Ralph Harris makes me laugh. But more importantly, he makes me smile.

Bobby Slayton, Tom Papa, Dom Irrera and I back stage in Montreal. Slayton was giving his "salute" so I had to either edit it or try to explain to my sons why that man is showing everyone his tall finger. Thanks, Bobby.

Greg Behrendt and I go waaaay back. Ask him about the "Dead horse/missing laptop" tour.

Another great thing about the Festival is getting to watch comics from other countries. Making people laugh in your own language is really hard…try learning a second language and doing it!

Some new friends:

Michael Mittermeier from Germany and his sweet wife, me and a baby comic from England. (name?)

Tim Minchin from England by way of Australia. Brilliantly funny and barefoot.

Alright, that’s more than enough name-dropping for one day.

Comedy in a tent at a music festival? Yeah, that’s what I thought. But sometimes you do things in life for the perks:

1.  I get to go to Ottawa and hang out with some of my comedy pals.

John Heffron, Me, Finesse Mitchell & Jim Breuer. Forget the show on stage, you should have been in our "green room" trailer.

2.  I get to sleep as late as I want and spend as much time in the bathroom as I want.                                                                                                                                                                                                                   (I slept 10 glorious hours my first night there after spending 2 uninterrupted hours in the bathroom, trying to buff and polish myself back to my pre-child shine.)

3.  I get to use my back stage pass to see all the music acts.

Of course the “boys” wanted to see Iron Maiden. Yeah, I blended right in:

Me: "Does it REALLY have to be that loud?" Breuer: "WHAT?"

Me: "Who's the scary guy?" Breuer: "WHAT?" Me: "Nevermind."

Iron Maiden guys that turned the volume up to "11".

The next night it was MY turn…The B-52’s Baby!

Cindy, Fred and Kate...!

It looked like 1985...if you squinted REALLY hard.

Breuer, Me, Mitchell and Heffron...Yeah, they only lasted 3 songs.

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