Tell me I look like an idiot!!

…I would tell YOU!

Driving home from a show, I decided to stop at Starbucks. I don’t drink coffee, but I love me a Java-chip Frappuccino to pass the miles.

Everything’s going great. I’m jamming on some “Wave” tunes on my Sirius radio; enjoying my Frap WAY too much and loving the drive home.

Phone call from Mark:

“Hey, do you think you can stop at Target and get me a blah, blah, blah…..?”

“Sure, Honey…I’m almost at that exit.”

I pull off the highway and slurp down the rest of my drink…except that last hunk of Java-chip in the bottom of the cup. It’s just too big for the straw. Mmmm, I bet it’s a big hunk of chocolate. I’m not throwing it away! So, I remove the dome lid, put the cup to my mouth and pound on the bottom of the cup. Sloooowly it starts to slide towards my mouth…almost there…(pound, pound) Success!! Yum. Big hunk of chocolate well worth the work. Everything is good with the world.

I grab my purse and run into Target.

Everyone is very friendly and smiling at me. In fact, they’re kind of chuckling in a familiar way when they say hi. Do they recognize me? Have they seen one of my shows? How cool! What a great night I’m having. I smile back and continue shopping.

When I bring the items to the check out, more of the same. Big smiles, and warm chuckles. Wow. Maybe my “NickMom Night Out” aired again. Could this night get any better? I pay for the items and go to the car.

After loading the bags and fastening my seatbelt, I catch my reflection in the rear-view mirror:

 

 

Seriously? Come on people! Help a choco-holic, sista out.

At least it wasn’t Walmart. I’d have to kill myself if I ended up on THAT website.

 

 

 

 

 

I’m on the news…

…and thankfully I’m not in handcuffs, trying to hide my face.

After my segment/rant about selfish holiday shopping, “Good Day Orlando’s” Amy Kaufeldt gave my sons a VIP tour they’re still talking about. “So THIS is where they get the weather from!”
I promised to take HER kids on a tour of all the comedy club bars I work in.

 

On A Plane To Branson…

“What adorable little boys, are they both yours?”

“Yes they are, thank you.”

“Do you have any girls?”

“Nope, I’m a boy Mama. My house is full of testosterone…there’s no pink in my house anywhere!”

“Yes there is, Mommy.”

“What, Zeke?”

“My eye was in our house and Dr. Marcus said it was pink.”

“I stand corrected. Thank you, Zeke.”

 

What I learned at Disney’s Social Media Moms Conference:

1.  Go to all the parties with your family, but don’t let the kids bring a toy sword if there’s sand for them to bury it in.

2.  If your son wins a prize at Animal Kingdom’s DinoLand Fossil Fun Games…..

….be prepared to stay and play until the other son wins something.

3. When your son meets a new friend, be thankful his parents are really cool to hang out with.

4.  Book Disney’s Art of Animation Resort early because it’s so amazingly cool, it will sell out fast!

5. When your kids are wearing mouse ears…take their picture! (Whether they want you to or not.)

6. Check out the hills and terrain of the paths BEFORE you promise to rent a bicycle surrey for an hour.

7.  When your “boss” has no microphone, rethink telling her to “Talk into my boob.”.

8.  To improve your online savvy, you can’t just own Chris Brogan’s book…you have to read it.

9. Hand your camera to strangers so you can be in some of the photos together. (Be prepared to chase them if they take off with it.)

10. I have the best job in the world. (Right under the person who gives away free Ghiradelli chocolate at Downtown Disney)

PS  Thanks to Disney and all the amazing “Moms” who made this conference one for the record books.

PPS A special thanks to the Mom-to-the-rescue who had all the right “supplies” one would need in a ladies room. I owe you BIG time.

 

Israel on 3,700 Shekels a Day

When traveling, I find it best to blend in with the locals as best you can.

I think I blended:

In fact, I blended so well that locals were all speaking Hebrew to me. When I stopped them and said I was from America, they would always respond, “But you’re Jewish, right?” I would tell them, “No, I’m not Jewish.” I was told, “You could be!” Uhhh…Thank you?

I was performing as part of a tour called “Comedy for Koby” a foundation that helps families who’ve lost loved ones to terror attacks. I can’t think of a better use for Comedy.

I went once before but that time I brought Mark and Nate. Nate was 2. The only thing I did on that trip was look for diapers and a place to change them. Oh, we climbed Masada…with Nate strapped to my back. 

But this time I got to be a tourist. In a nutshell I:

Went to the Souk (Avi lied…it was NOTHING like the mall.)

I bought some:

And didn’t buy:

I visited the Western Wall:

And covered some bases:

I felt illiterate:

But somehow understood:

I got my watch fixed:

And saw the bald head of the Governor of FL:

I met the most amazing people and made them my friends:

Now I know everything I need to know about the Kabbalah:

Oh, yeah…and I told some jokes (With Saleem, Avi Liberman & John Mulrooney) :

PS. Not sure, but I think I got married:

 

Just For Laughs Comedy Festival…Canada part 2

Every year, Montreal has an amazing comedy festival. This year they added Toronto. I was so excited to be invited to both cities this year. The venues are magnificent, crowds are the best and I get to see comedy friends I haven’t seen in years. It’s like a huge comedy class reunion:

The ubiquitous host of the festival, Victor. "Mommy...what is he?" "That's the guy that pays our rent this month, Nate."

Lot’s of old friends:

Tom Papa, John Heffron, Me, Jim Breuer and Sebastian Maniscalco...Thank you, goodnight!

Catching up with Kathleen Madigan. "Have I always been taller than you, Kathleen?" "No, I used to be taller." "I thought so."

Chris Titus and I recreating our awkward Prom photo that we took with other people. (what?)

Harland Williams and I have so much in common that we can actually swap lives with each other for days and no one notices. That's me on the right.

Ralph Harris makes me laugh. But more importantly, he makes me smile.

Bobby Slayton, Tom Papa, Dom Irrera and I back stage in Montreal. Slayton was giving his "salute" so I had to either edit it or try to explain to my sons why that man is showing everyone his tall finger. Thanks, Bobby.

Greg Behrendt and I go waaaay back. Ask him about the "Dead horse/missing laptop" tour.

Another great thing about the Festival is getting to watch comics from other countries. Making people laugh in your own language is really hard…try learning a second language and doing it!

Some new friends:

Michael Mittermeier from Germany and his sweet wife, me and a baby comic from England. (name?)

Tim Minchin from England by way of Australia. Brilliantly funny and barefoot.

Alright, that’s more than enough name-dropping for one day.

 

My 10 Day Tour Of Canada…Part 1: Ottawa Blues Fest

Comedy in a tent at a music festival? Yeah, that’s what I thought. But sometimes you do things in life for the perks:

1.  I get to go to Ottawa and hang out with some of my comedy pals.

John Heffron, Me, Finesse Mitchell & Jim Breuer. Forget the show on stage, you should have been in our "green room" trailer.

2.  I get to sleep as late as I want and spend as much time in the bathroom as I want.                                                                                                                                                                                                                   (I slept 10 glorious hours my first night there after spending 2 uninterrupted hours in the bathroom, trying to buff and polish myself back to my pre-child shine.)

3.  I get to use my back stage pass to see all the music acts.

Of course the “boys” wanted to see Iron Maiden. Yeah, I blended right in:

Me: "Does it REALLY have to be that loud?" Breuer: "WHAT?"

Me: "Who's the scary guy?" Breuer: "WHAT?" Me: "Nevermind."

Iron Maiden guys that turned the volume up to "11".

The next night it was MY turn…The B-52’s Baby!

Cindy, Fred and Kate...!

It looked like 1985...if you squinted REALLY hard.

Breuer, Me, Mitchell and Heffron...Yeah, they only lasted 3 songs.

 

Social Media Mom Conference at Disney World

Apparently, I’m a social media mom. Who knew? Disney, for starters.

When they asked me to perform at the conference, I’ll admit I had never heard that term before.

“We think since you’re a SMM, you’d be perfect!”

“I beg your pardon? What did you just call me?”

After meeting all the other “SMMs” at the conference,  I couldn’t be happier to be included in such a wonderful group. Walking into the conference room filled with childless-for-the-day Moms was like going to a pajama party without the pajamas. Wait…that didn’t come out right. It was a room filled with women sharing their favorite gadgets. This is just getting worse. I just mean that the excitement was palpable.

Guy Kawasaki spoke at a breakfast on Thurs. I brought Amber with me because we’re business partners, friends and no one needed an hour away more than her. (OK, the truth? because we’ve NEVER seen each other without kids. How weird is that?) We giggled like school-girls, swiped extra Disney pins left on the tables and actually learned something.

WE were supposed to be listening...but I snuck a photo of Amber. She's funny when she's mad but can't yell.

Guy talked about Twitter. I’ve heard about it from Oprah and Ashton Kutcher but I thought it was just a bunch of people talking smack. Turns out, it’s a lot of people talking smack AND you can actually use it to promote your business.

Friday was the big day. Lots of notable speakers; food; more notable speakers; giveaways; me; confetti cannon; private after-hours party at Hollywood Studios then return home to become a blissful “pile of Mom” on the couch.

Here are the photos:

Seriously, Kristen...maybe if you'd work a little harder you might get a raise...slacker.

Leanne knows how to throw a serious party. Can you say, "swag"?

My turn to perform! Pretty weird to do a show for 200 women with their heads down, typing away on their "media machines" of choice.

We did have one mishap....Nate was hanging with Pluto and Goofy when...

Pluto watches in horror as Goofy goes "mad" and tries to devour Nate head first.

Nate got to meet Miss Lori. He was almost as excited as I was to meet her.

Buzz and Woody. Nate was still a little paranoid from the Goofy "incident".

We rode "Toy Story Mania" so many times our 5 year old said, "Uh...Mommy, Daddy...we have to go home so I can go to bed now." (Mark will tell you HE has the high score, but I think he cheated somehow.)

This was truly an amazing event. Thanks to everyone who made it possible for me to be there. I’ve truly grown as a Media Mom.

To all the other Media Moms…please keep in touch.

I’ll show you mine, if you show me yours…blogs…I was talking about blogs.

 

Phone calls from home…

The glamorous life on tour:  Cleveland in January. 9 degrees. Ice, lots of ice. With the exception of the couple that lived in the building across from my hotel that left their blinds open 24/7 for the entire world to see “nature”…it was a really lonely weekend away from my family.

Hilarities at Pickwick and Frolic is one of my absolute favorite clubs in the country. That's the only reason I brave the horrific weather in Cleveland.

When I’m on the road, my cell phone is my life-line back to my family. I’m so thankful for its invention. When Mark and I first dated, there was no such miracle. We lived 2000 miles from each other for the first 2 years of our relationship and had to pay long-distance charges for each and every call. We would average $400. each most months.  Sure, that’s the “safest” our love-life has ever been but I think a 900 number would have been way cheaper.

Calls from my sons have changed along with their ability to talk. Teaching my boys baby sign language made for really challenging phone calls. Mark would hold the phone while Nate would sign, “want Mommy” and “I love you, Mommy” to the receiver. It would have been great if Mark had learned the signs along with the boys.

“What’s he signing, Mark?”

“Uhhh…umm…grab my chin. I think he’s saying, ‘grab my chin’ to you.”

“Really? Well, I’ve never taught him either of those words, so I’m guessing it’s something else.”

“Well, he’s pulling his two hands into himself then he touches his chin with the thumb of his open hand.”

“Yeah, he’s saying, ‘I want Mommy.’ Gee…I wonder why?”

I don’t know why sign language is so hard for Mark. He’s practically fluent in French (and English). During a beautiful symphony once, I gave Mark the short hand sign for “I love you” which is your palm facing out with the thumb, pointer and pinkie fingers up and the middle and ring finger down. He smiled at me and nodded. After the concert was over he said, “Hey, why did you give me the Spiderman hand?”  {sigh}

So now Zekey likes to hold the phone. He’s 2 so his conversations consist of him counting the numbers on the phone as he pushes them. When I hear the tone of the button being pushed, I yell, “AAAahhhh!” like he poked me. This makes him laugh uncontrollably and I get to hear his sweet little cackle.

Nate and I can actually have a conversation but it’s still hard to understand him sometimes. Thankfully, Mark is there to interpret.

“Hi, Nate! How are you?”

“I’m good, Mommy. I miss you. I got to eat sand at the park today.”

“WHAT? What did he say, Mark?”

“He said he got to meet Sam at the park today.”

“Oh! That’s nice, Nate. Did you have fun with Sam?”

“Yes, but I got sad because Daddy wouldn’t let me take the tick home with us.”

“Mark! Why are you letting him play with Ticks? Are you crazy?”

“Stick. I wouldn’t let him take the STICK  home because he threw it.”
“Oh. Sorry.”

“Mommy? We have to go now because Daddy bought a hammock for the dragon.”

{laughing hysterically} “Mark! It sounded like Nate said, you bought a hammock for the dragon!”

Mark bought a hammock for the dragon.

 

On the road again…

I’m sitting in the bowels of a cruise ship right now. In the crew internet corner of the crew mess (That’s an adjective, not a noun.) I’m working on the NCL Pearl this week. I love you all and love blogging to you but I can’t afford what they charge per minute to write anymore than these few words. (I’m using that money to send my boys to college) Lots to tell you, lots of photos…I shall return on Sat. night!

PS Please don’t forget to check in with Jedi Noah…he and his family need your support more than ever and I feel helpless out here!