Working Mother Magazine asked me for a video…

…to give parenting advise/help to Moms. I don’t think they knew who they were asking.

See if this video helps you…and let me know if it’s even legal.

http://www.workingmother.com/content/comedian-maryellen-hooper

 

Mother’s Day rant…

OK so I was a guest blogger for Mother’s Day awhile back. They thought it was worth reposting so here ya go: (warning…it’s not your usual warm-and-squishy take on the day)

“Campaign To Abolish Mother’s Day!”

 

 

My Budding Artist…The “Bathroom Period”

We’ve been getting lots of art from our 6 yr old. It’s actually quite good for his age. perspective, colors, shading…

Notice the fancy “Z”? His Dad and I are quite proud and hang most on the fridge gallery.

Fast forward to last Thurs. Zeke came home from school with a dark plastic bag. He stood before me, arms outstretched presenting me the bag. Only problem is…he has that look in his eye. That look that every Mom recognizes in her child to mean something wicked this way comes.

“What’s this?”

“It’s a drawing for you, Mommy.”

“Oh, thank you Zeke. Can I open it it?”

(evil giggle) “SURE!” (more evil cackling)

Here is the picture my precious son drew for me:

Needless to say, this one didn’t make the fridge.

I will admit that I had a “Mom’s glass is half-full” thought: “At least he knows the correct spelling of Butt.”

(Sigh…)

 

Surprise Birthday Party: BIG parenting fail #2…

It started off so well…

Nate came into my bedroom one morning, about a month before his birthday,

“Mommy…I want a surprise party for my birthday this year.” then waved his hands in front of his face and chanted,

“I didn’t hear anything…I didn’t hear anything…” as he backed out of the room.

That instantly became one of my top 3 Nate quotes. So funny.

“Hmm, a surprise party? I can do this!” I thought. “I can invite all his friends and tell their parents NOT to tell the kids until the day of because what 8 or 9 year old can keep a secret?” It looked so good on paper.

I checked the calendar and realized we were going to Anaheim, CA for the 10 days before his birthday, so I would have to throw the party 4 days AFTER his actual birthday. “No problem.” I naively thought. “I’ll tell Nate that his birthday is the trip to Disneyland and we’ll have a special family birthday on his actual day.” BIG mistake. In my attempt to make that day special and throw him off the surprise, I accidentally caused my son one of the worst emotional scars to date.  I thought, “I’ll  hang the birthday banner in the living room and hang his new Falcon posters in his room.” I actually said this to him when I picked him up from school:

“Nate! I have a big surprise for you when we get home!” meaning the posters. Hindsight is 20/20 people.

He threw open the front door, saw the banner and started looking around with the sweetest, hopeful, anticipatory face an innocent 9 year old can make. I still didn’t get it.

“It’s in your bedroom, Nate!” I cheered…happy he was so excited. He reached his bedroom in 2 strides; leaped in, ready to receive the room-full of friends.

“Look! I hung your new posters! You have a Falconer’s room, now!” I exclaimed, STILL not seeing what was really going on.

“That’s awesome, Mommy…is anyone else here?”

“Grandma drove all the way over for your birthday! We’re going to your favorite restaurant tonight!”

“Oh…uh…OK…” and he grabbed a book and disappeared into a corner. How could I be so blind?

The next day, I couldn’t wake Nate up. He’s usually the first one out of bed, wide awake, talking a mile a minute. Not that day. He was laying on the couch with a blanket over his head. He didn’t want me to look at him.

“What’s wrong, Nate?”

“Nothing.”

“You don’t seem like yourself.”

“I’m fine, (sniff)”

“You seem really sad. Are you sad?”

“I’m trying not to be sad, Mommy…” his voice was shaking, trying to hold back the tears. “but none of my friends came over for my party yesterday.”

“Your party….(gasp!)” THEN the bricks fell on my head. My poor, sweet Nate thought the banner was hanging for his party and that no one had showed up. OH. MY. DUH. I’m an idiot. This was worse than any of those horrible practical joke shows I hate because they are so mean. I had inadvertently “Punked” my own son.

“Nate, Honey…we didn’t invite your friends over. Remember? The trip to CA was your birthday party. We did all those fun things at Disneyland and CA Adventure instead of a party, Remember? We just had your family party yesterday.”

“I know, but I wanted my friends to come over and sing Happy Birthday to me…(sniff)”

I look over and Mark has tears all welled up in his eyes. My big softy. He starts mouthing to me,

“Tell him! For the love of Pete, TELL HIM!”

I mouth back a firm,

“NO! We’ve gone this far! We only have 3 more days!”

“What?”

“3 more days…Never mind, just help me here!”

“What?”

(sigh…)

That was the loooooongest 3 days in the history of birthday planning. I almost told him a million times. I debated whether the happiness of the actual surprise would erase the tortured memories of “The birthday that never was.” I finally gave an inch.

“Nate, how about we go to your favorite place on Saturday?”

“The Audubon Center for Birds of Prey?!!!!” He perked up.

“Yup! I have to go help Amber, but I’ll meet you, Daddy & Zeke there.”

“YES!” The corners of his mouth bent up an inch.

With the help of all my dear friends, we got the party all set up, hid everyone and the rest (hopefully) will be the history he remembers:

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Was it a success? Did we undo the damage? It felt good. It felt real good.  But only time and a possible future therapist will tell…

(sigh…)

 

“Mommy, I need help…”

That statement is never followed by good stuff. “Mommy, I need help carrying this present I made you.” Or “Mommy, I need help putting away all these dishes I washed. It’s always, “Mommy, I need help putting all the water back into the toilet.” Or “Mommy, I need help gluing all these pieces back together.”

So when I heard that dreaded opening statement, I took a deep breath and asked,

“Help with what, Zeke?”

“I need help getting a Perler Bead out of my nose!”

“Aaaaahhhh! Uh, I mean, it’s OK, don’t worry…we’ll get it.”

I held his right nostril closed and said, “Blow!”

Note to self: Hold tissue in front of nostril to catch Perler Bead and everything else that comes flying out onto my chest. 

(Sigh…)

 

“Wreck-It Ralph” review…

My latest installment over at Comedy Film Nerds is a review of “Wreck-It Ralph” in honor of the DVD release.

“Wreck-It Ralph”

What did YOU think about it?

 

Bathroom “talk” at 1 am….

“Mommyyyyyy…..I have to go pottyyyyyy…”

“OK, Zeke – I’m coming.”

I’m quite used to the 1 am potty break my kids have written into their contract riders. They LOVE them. I think it’s not so much about the potty, but more about the alone-time with Mommy. They know that asking questions will prolong the nightlight-illuminated snuggle time, so I’m usually prepared for the inquisition. Not last night. I was definitely NOT prepared for last night’s topic. Maybe it was stepping in the puddle on the carpet that threw me off (Wickette!!!!) but more likely it was the topic.

I was on my knees, cleaning the wet spot while Zeke was going potty. Out of the corner of my eye I see him waddle out of the bathroom with his Pajama bottoms around his ankles. I’m afraid to look up. Nothing good ever comes from pants around the ankles. So, I keep my head down and scrub a little harder hoping somehow that will make what’s about to happen, not happen.

Wishful thinking. As I’m scrubbing a hole in the carpet, I hear the one phrase that strikes fear in every parent’s heart:

“Mommy, what’s this?”

A voice in my head screams, “DON’T LOOK UP!!” I tried not too, but it was like a car wreck…you just have to. There, standing in front of me, is my 5 year old son with a hand full of boy parts.

“Mommy!!! What is this?”

“That’s your penis, Zeke…you know that.”

“NOOO…THIS!”

“Oh, eh, hem…that? That would be your scrotum…now let’s go wash your hands…”

“Socrum?”

“S-C-R-O-T-U-M” I sound out for him, trying desperately not to laugh or sound weird.

“Scrotum. OK….(long pause)….but what’s inside the scrotum? I feel two little balls or something.”

“Ohhh Kayyyy, well….those are your testicles. You have two of them, right?”

“Yup. Oooonnneee, twwwoooo…(dreaded pause)…what are they for?”

“Weeeelllll….you have those in case you want to be a Daddy someday.”

“OH! And girls have testicles in case they want to be a Mommy?”

“Well, no. Girls and boys have different parts. Boys have parts to be Daddies, and Girls have parts to be Mommies.” I stammered, wiping sweat from my brow.

“Oh. What parts do girls have?”

(loud screaming in my head, accompanied by hair pulling and sweating…lots of sweating)

“Uhmmm…well…girls have a vagina, uterus and ovaries.” I said as casually as a freaked-out person could.

As Zeke’s mouth was forming his next life-altering question, Nate appears from his room like a life-raft thrown to save me:

“Hey, what are you guys talking about…and why is Zeke holding his tenders?”

“Nate, this is my scrotum!”
“I know. I have one too.”

“You need this to be a Daddy.”

“AWKWARD!!! Mommy, did you know these two holes in my nose are NOT called holes? They’re called nostrils!”

“Really, Nate? That’s good to know.” Hoping beyond hope that this comment would derail Zeke’s train of questions…

“Mommy?”

“Yes, Zeke.”

“Some people have a Mommy and a Daddy and some people have just a Mommy or just a Daddy.”

“That’s right. And guess what? Some people have 2 Mommies and some people have 2 Daddies!” (Did I really just open that can of worms?)

“Wow! And do some people have 2 Mommies and 2 Daddies?”

“Yes, some Mommies and Daddies decide not to live together anymore and they marry other people…”

“And some people have 1 Daddy and 7 Mommies!”

“Yes, but that’s only in rural Utah…”

“What?”

“Never mind. It’s REALLY time for bed, Zeke.”

(Sigh.)

 

3 Months of Halloween…

Halloween started in July for us. Mark was offered the job of Art Director of Busch Garden’s Howl-O-Scream this year and jumped at it. Was it because he wanted to make scary mazes for the masses or because he got to live in a hotel like a bachelor all summer? Hmmm…

Have you ever heard the saying, “The mechanic’s car is always broken down.”? I guess it’s not really a saying, but more of an ironic phenomenon. My Mom once called a company to come fix her car’s cracked windshield and the truck pulled up with a huge crack in it’s own windshield.  Well, whatever that’s called, we have it at our house. Thousands of people paid lots of money to see my husband’s amazing Halloween handiwork  at Busch Gardens:

And OUR house?  Well, you be the judge:

I feel sorry for women married to masseuses, chefs & gigolos.

 

Our Votes Weren’t Counted…HELP!!!

As most of you know, Nate’s BFF lost his battle with brain cancer this past May. As hard as this was for all of us, we’ve chosen to keep fighting! Noah wasn’t able to receive the protocol named after him, but other children are waiting. Noah’s Light Foundation is supporting this research as well as support for siblings and families of the children diagnosed.

Chase bank is giving away $250,000. to the charity with the most votes!!! They had trouble with the site in the beginning, so we’re having to ask everyone to vote again. Will you please take a few minutes to help? It costs you NOTHING!! Thank you so much. (See instructions below…)

Hello, Noah’s Light Foundation friend,Wow, we’ve seen an overwhelming amount of support on our website and Facebook page! But our Chase Giving votes seem to be falling behind, if you have had trouble voting, my deepest apologies!I received this from Chase  – Amber, We are sorry for this. We experienced some technical difficulties earlier in the program but then have since been fixed. Please have your followers vote again.  Thanks for your patience, Chase Community Giving Team Please, don’t give up, I still believe we can still make a difference for these kids! The Good News! We still have 6 day’s until Noah’s birthday and the voting ends – I have some tips this time: How to Vote – Log into or sign-up on Facebook. Click this link and hit “Vote” – You may have to “Allow Application”Yeah! You voted for Noah’s Light Foundation. If you don’t have “bonus votes”, then you are done. If you have bonus votes, then you have to vote your second vote on someone other than NLF :-(, then come back to Noah’s Light Foundation and use the bonus! If you are a Chase customer, you can go to to Chase.com/ChaseGiving, log in, and earn another bonus vote! After you vote, please be sure to ask your friends to vote and forward it to: All of Your Friends Your Company Directory Your LinkedIn Your Church Directory Your Email address book Your Client Database Post and Share on Facebook (when friends follow your link – you get more times to vote) Tweet it  You tube it Share it with your School Post it on your Blog Post it on others blogs… share, share, share! (Note: if you search for us, please use the search term “Noahs Light”) Keep trying 🙂  –  we can’t give up on these kids! Amber www.noahslightfoundation.org

 

Just getting over a benefit hangover…

Well, we did it. We had a benefit for the Larkin family and Noah’s Light Foundation and we raised some serious cash. 

It started out as a neighborhood, “Hey, kids…let’s put on a show!” and grew into a major productions with all the bells and whistles. Nationally touring bands and comedians performed, radio stations got involved and silent auction items fell  from the sky. It was an amazing show of love and support for Noah and his family, while everyone had a great time dancing, laughing and shopping. 

 

Amber Larkin, guest of honor; Helen Keaney, comedienne & host of HSN; and that's me the only time I wasn't frantically pacing.

Amber was poised and gracious…I don’t know how she does it. All I know is that when I grow up, I want to be just like her. 

My brother's band, Channel Z...wonder how THEY got the gig?

 It was really fun for me to share the stage with my brother, Scott. He’s been a drummer his entire life and I’ve been a… well…a…I’ve been performing in some way or another all my life and this is the first time we’ve ever been in the same show. Pretty cool.  Of course let the record show that he was MY opening act! Ha! 

Channel Z was awesome. Everyone loved their covers of hits old and new. Then my dear friend, Helen took the stage and really shook up our little town of Celebration. She gave us an outsider’s perspective and made us all laugh at ourselves. If you missed it or want more, Helen will be Headlining at the Tampa Improv for Cinco De Mayo. 

Then one of my oldest friends in comedy (uh…that came out wrong…one of my dearest friends in comedy that I’ve known the longest…) Lynn Trefzger came on with all her puppet “friends”. She has amazed me for years. I’ve seen her show a million times and it still makes me laugh. 

3 people from the audience became Lynn's puppets. I never knew asking someone their favorite color could be so hysterical.

I have to tell you what Lynn did. In addition to volunteering her performance like Channel Z and Helen Keaney did, I brought Lynn over to meet Noah and his sister, Landin. She brought one of her puppets, Cloe and proceeded to make those children laugh non-stop for over an hour. Cloe even tucked Landin into bed! That was truly above and beyond, Lynn…thank you. 

My turn. I outed Mark as "Lizard-Man" to the amusement of all our friends. You're a good sport, Honey.

The evening was a success. We made over $4000. in ticket sales and concession and are still waiting for the final count from the Silent auction company (unless he left the country with the money).  We told the Larkins we love them, we raised awareness for the cause and had a wonderful night out without the kids! 

To everyone who had their hand in this, I thank you from the bottom of my heart. I am humbled by your generosity and compassion.